Crickets....

"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu

It's officially been six months since my last post. Not because I haven't had a lot to say, but more so I have so much to say that I didn't really know how to say it. Do you know what I'm talking about? That there are soo many things going on inside of you that you just can't seem to either process them or say it because you truly can't articulate it. I guess part of it was being home for the bulk of my summer and some of it was surely turning 35 in August.

Going home after my first major move in over 10 years was significant. Surrounded by people who love you no matter what, but still feeling as if you have a role and responsibility to your family and friends. It's being back in your old neighborhood where nothing and everything has changed. The streets so familiar, but with nuances that weren't there a year before; the realization that time does indeed marches on. Talking to people about where you live and what you've been up to and trying not to roll your eyes when complete strangers ask questions about the food you eat and the language. Then feeling just as mad at yourself for getting annoyed because a lot of Americans truly are not educated to what is going on in the world and people just want to know. Some days I felt that I was part of this weird talking museum exhibit.

Then coming back and seeing your life as not as a big adventure anymore. That moving halfway around the world isn't that big of a deal. That the familiarity of your current neighborhood feels strangely like coming home. You get stuck in routine after routine, trying to find this balance of not feeling guilty for being away from your family and just enjoying life where you are no matter what.

Then turning 35 was significant for me. Over the summer, as I was going through some old papers, I found my list of things I wanted to do by the time I was 35 that I wrote in college. Own a home, be a good wife and mother, have no student loan debt, travel the world, live in Africa, memorize the Bible, etc. Well, needless to say that I haven't hit those goals as I would have liked and that saddened me. What happened to that girl who made those plans? Is it too late to reach those goals? Then I felt like a fool for writing and showing my adventures in the first year because I felt that it was a bit cheesy and a little annoying.

But before the year changed to 2014, it dawned on me that God does indeed has a hand in everything and that the definition of those goals have been hit in some way. My home is truly what is in my heart and that will always be my family and friends. I fully own it and I try my best to make sure I invest in it. I'm married to my calling to work with kids, and my students are my children in a way. I get just as excited when a student tells me they got into their first choice college, and just as disappointed when they make unwise decisions. I don't have the Bible memorized, but I do know what verses to call on when I need a little extra strength. I wanted to live in Africa, but instead I was placed in an area that allows me to understand that the African diaspora is stretched so far and so wide. That although I haven't traveled the world, I have been so blessed to not only see what I see, but hear and learn from others. And on the flip side be allowed to share my journeys with people I care about. However, I won't get into the student loan debt =)

For me, I had to get a little silent to gain a whole lot of perspective. It's in the silence that I have been able to truly come to terms with my blessings and be able to begin to articulate the change that is happening inside of me. This silent moment has developed a lot of strength for me to carry into a new year.

One of my favorite memories growing up is opening the window of my bedroom when the weather was starting to get a little chilly. And the fresh air with the just the lingering sounds of crickets as the soundtrack to my hopes and dreams.....

Reflections and Blessings: End of School Year 2012-2013

"To witness miracles unfold in your experience, count your blessings and be thankful. Perceived small blessings accumulate to be the most powerful." 

T. F. Hodge

As the school year in Kuwait has come to a close, and my coworkers and friends are embarking on there summer journey's either back home, Europe, or even in Kuwait, I feel that its time to take a moment and reflect on the things I've seen, been a part of, and grew from in my first school year in the Middle East.

1. You are never to old to learn something new-- I will be a very proud 35 year old in two months, and I have been very challenged emotionally, spiritually, and mentally throughout this first year. From learning to work with others and taking a back seat (so not my character), to learning to navigate within a different language and culture, I am constantly learning. I thank God for that.

2. The power of the nap- I am now a creature of habit. Everyday I take a nap. 30-45 minutes of solitude and rest feels soo good on a regular basis.

3. Homesickness happens in phases- After the honeymoon period, homesickness appeared in phases for me; its never a one shot deal. Homesickness may not have to do with family either. Sometimes it was desiring to shop at a Cato or Lane Bryant; sometimes it comes on when something happens and the only people who understand are the people at home. Sometimes its just the weather. I missed seasons this year. The changing of the leaves, the snow on the ground. The cold rains in April....

4. But technology brings everyone closer- The world indeed has gotten smaller. Technology makes it that way. You don't miss nearly as much as you think you do. You just find ways to substitute or get what you need. I do love that fact that I can start my day while calling my family close to their bedtimes; or using facetime to chat with friends.

5. The friends you start with, may not be the friends you end the year with- Fast food relationships happen in Kuwait; then you see the true nature of people and realize that sometimes people are in your lives for a season and for a reason. But I'm lucky to see some of my friendships evolve into genuine relationships, while others I have been blessed to leave those behind.

6. It's never to late to try something new- This year I played rugby. And although I might have been the slowest and the biggest, I loved every minute of it. If not for the sport, but for the sisterhood that I feel that I am a part of now. This new sport, meeting new people, made my life in Kuwait a little bit better.

7. The world is indeed a beautiful place- I have been blessed to see so many great places this year: looking out the window on my initial flight over and seeing the sky change in an instant from dark to light; the tropical rains on the island of Zanzibar; street food and traffic in India; sunrise walking in Doha; the top of the world in Dubai; walking to school everyday. But those places can't compare to the people I've met along this path. The world is beautiful not just because of the places and things, but truly because of her people.

I feel soo blessed to have listened and followed my heart and spirit to a new journey in my life. I'm so thankful for all the help from friends and family in the states, to friends that I consider family here in Kuwait. I know that next year will present even more challenges as relationships evolve and my travels take me to other places. As I reflect on my school year, I am just so grateful for every minute of every opportunity.

Active Forgiveness

It's 3am, and I have to pee.

It's one of those things that is a part of my life due to just getting older. I should know that if I don't drink anything after 8:30pm and use the bathroom before going to bed, I can generally sleep through the night. But some days I don't get home until late, I have a glass of orange juice or tea before my 9pm bedtime, and next thing you know I am up at 3am to go pee. But normally I can go back to sleep as soon as I do that.

However, I have been having trouble going back to sleep recently. I go to the bathroom, crawl back into bed, and lay their trying to will myself to go back to sleep. Next thing you know the call of prayer goes off at 3:45am and then at 4:00am. My alarm goes off at 5am. I get sleepy about 6am, but I leave for work at 6:30am. Then I go into work sleepy, angry, and upset; craving a nonfat Chai Latte with an espresso shot and a breakfast sandwich. You snack to stay awake on all the things your body craves, and you're burnt by the end of the day. You want to go to bed but you know that if you go to bed too early, you're going to stay up the night.

My momma used to tell me that when I have times like that, it means that God is trying to tell me something. But what was it? I honestly didn't know. I thought I have handled my conflicts or moved on from issues stemming from co-workers and some students. I thought I moved on and forgave myself and them for incidents of misunderstanding and mistrust. I thought I forgave them, but in all honesty, I really didn't.

When I pass them in the hallways I cringed or didn't say hello; I used email and text messages to get any issues out. But I could have sworn I forgave them. But I didn't.

It's 3am and I have to pee.

Another night of troubled sleep and awareness that God is indeed trying to tell me something. My words in my head may have said that I forgave, but my heart which directs everything I do told me different. That's when I realized that forgiveness truly is an active verb. Clarissa Estes, a poet and psychoanalyst who specializes in traumatic experiences, stated that:

"How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it at all."

I think it's so much easier to forgive when you are younger, you move on quicker, you get your toy back, you may fight but have the ability to move on from that fight. But the older you get, the more those experiences where you are hurt, affect you so much deeper. It's seems that so much more is at stake and the heart and spirit can only handle so much. So when you open your heart and it gets hurt because of betrayal or lies, or even being irrelevant in a world where you once belonged, true forgiveness is simply hard because its admitting to yourself that your heart has been battered and bruised.

But bruises do heal. At least I think they do.

If anything the bruises heal enough that you don't notice them as much. You breathe, you move on, you can go back to sleep. And although there may be some scars, they do fade enough over time. When that happens, you can truly say that you have forgiven them and moved on; you can say I had an epiphany.

It's 3am and I have to pee.

I wake up and pad to my bathroom and empty my bladder. I return to my bed, snuggle under the covers. And for the first time in a couple of weeks and I did go back to sleep.