"I don't regret anything I've ever done in life, any choice that I've made. But I'm consumed with regret for the things I didn't do, the choices I didn't make, the things I didn't say." Trevor Noah
I have been confronted recently with reactions to and acts of silence regarding everything: from work, to Charlottesville, to personal life. I was hoping to glide into 39 with an ease of a duck in water- seemingly smooth on the surface. But I forget that the duck is often flailing back and forth underneath.
And just like the duck, the appearance of things are never really what it seems, is it? I sometimes feel that silence buys you more time in that lake of tranquil peace, making light waves on the surface so the that the water stays pretty and picture perfect. But being silent about anything after awhile is just as harmful. Ecosystems thrive from disturbance. That's why after a torrential storm, the skies opens up and brings unique smells and flowers, death and life.
I didn't realize that I was into science that much. Shout out to my Biology teacher, Mr. Moss. RIH.
Back on track.....
Silence is never the issue when decisions about anything has to be made, not involving me. I am always willing to speak up for my students, or others, or when I see something that just isn't right. But I am very, very guilty of being silent when it comes to me and my needs. Like for some reason, my demanding/asking/recognizing that I need/want/felt something, is less than the needs of everyone else. And sure I can blame society placing limits on the voices of women, or even never wanting to appear to be an angry black woman in my majority white place of work. But my silence buys someone else another chance to dictate and control my life. And maybe, just maybe, it's time that I start seeing myself as valuable enough to speak up for my needs along with others.
I am guilty of being silent, when times has called for me to be loud. Some of you reading this won't believe this about me, but I comfortable sitting in silence when I am so shocked and hurt about something; or when I disagree with a decision and haven't quite figured out the right thing to say or how to react. Because it brings up feelings that I don't want to face, and brings out insecurities where I want to try to runaway.
But nothing says I'm getting older and better, like finding my voice. Like that storm of self-doubt eases a bit quicker; that there is a beauty in what rises up out of the quaking moment of just saying whatever it is from your heart. It does get a bit easier as you get older because you get to a magic moment of knowing that you are worthy of being heard and speaking up.
I told a female student the other day, "Don't ever apologize for advocating for yourself." I wish someone told me that when I was in my twenties. And now, when I speak up for myself? Man- the sweet nectar of speaking up- well it's kinda awesome.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Friday, August 11, 2017
Crazy Maze
"To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue." Buddha
I am officially a week away from my 39th birthday.
It's been almost three years since I last posted to this blog.
A major country move and a job later, I am still in the Middle East (or the GCC if you want to be specific) since my first posting.
And sometimes I admit that I may appear directionless, but it's only because of the latent fear of failure that sits in the back of my mind and follows me wherever I go. I tend not to listen to it, but sometimes it is hard to shake. So fear of failure follows me and in the attempt to try to shake it, I am in this maze of living that only my hope and faith will lead me eventually to the other side.
In some ways, running from this fear has led to many amazing adventures, and has blessed me to meet so many interesting people. I feel that the navigation of following faith instead of fear, has brought me a bit closer to my relationship with God. That the twists and turns are lessons that I have needed to learn.
And then there are moments when you have to face the fear that is chasing you, and own it for all that it is reflecting back to you.
- Like knowing when you get to a place in life where you can comfortably walk away and say that you've tried to save a relationship, a friend, a plant =)
- That admitting out loud that there is more to this life than work or a job. That happiness is your own personal shape of balance that you are trying to achieve and no one else's.
- That taking a risk is a good thing, and that the growing pains are just a sign that this is where you need to be. Although it may suck as you're going through it.
- That you really can never change a person, and knowing that the only peace you have is knowing that you stood in your truth.
- And just being able to say, "Thank you."
Last year was a tough year for me. I went through a ton of changes that scared me, excited me, disappointed me, and tested me. I stood in that maze feeling that I was retreating back to the same spot over and over again because I was definitely afraid of the mirror that fear was holding up to my face. So I took a look at that mirror, and pretty much said this is bullshit. I can't be stagnant in this moment any longer. It's time to find my way out. Fear, you can follow like a shadow, but I won't allow you to keep me standing still.
I feel like 39 will be this year where I take the things that I have learned and embrace the opportunities as they present themselves. I am embracing this crazy maze, and although I may get lost from time to time, I still have the faith and hope that I will see the light on the other side.
I am officially a week away from my 39th birthday.
It's been almost three years since I last posted to this blog.
A major country move and a job later, I am still in the Middle East (or the GCC if you want to be specific) since my first posting.
And sometimes I admit that I may appear directionless, but it's only because of the latent fear of failure that sits in the back of my mind and follows me wherever I go. I tend not to listen to it, but sometimes it is hard to shake. So fear of failure follows me and in the attempt to try to shake it, I am in this maze of living that only my hope and faith will lead me eventually to the other side.
In some ways, running from this fear has led to many amazing adventures, and has blessed me to meet so many interesting people. I feel that the navigation of following faith instead of fear, has brought me a bit closer to my relationship with God. That the twists and turns are lessons that I have needed to learn.
And then there are moments when you have to face the fear that is chasing you, and own it for all that it is reflecting back to you.
- Like knowing when you get to a place in life where you can comfortably walk away and say that you've tried to save a relationship, a friend, a plant =)
- That admitting out loud that there is more to this life than work or a job. That happiness is your own personal shape of balance that you are trying to achieve and no one else's.
- That taking a risk is a good thing, and that the growing pains are just a sign that this is where you need to be. Although it may suck as you're going through it.
- That you really can never change a person, and knowing that the only peace you have is knowing that you stood in your truth.
- And just being able to say, "Thank you."
Last year was a tough year for me. I went through a ton of changes that scared me, excited me, disappointed me, and tested me. I stood in that maze feeling that I was retreating back to the same spot over and over again because I was definitely afraid of the mirror that fear was holding up to my face. So I took a look at that mirror, and pretty much said this is bullshit. I can't be stagnant in this moment any longer. It's time to find my way out. Fear, you can follow like a shadow, but I won't allow you to keep me standing still.
I feel like 39 will be this year where I take the things that I have learned and embrace the opportunities as they present themselves. I am embracing this crazy maze, and although I may get lost from time to time, I still have the faith and hope that I will see the light on the other side.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Crickets....
"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu
It's officially been six months since my last post. Not because I haven't had a lot to say, but more so I have so much to say that I didn't really know how to say it. Do you know what I'm talking about? That there are soo many things going on inside of you that you just can't seem to either process them or say it because you truly can't articulate it. I guess part of it was being home for the bulk of my summer and some of it was surely turning 35 in August.
Going home after my first major move in over 10 years was significant. Surrounded by people who love you no matter what, but still feeling as if you have a role and responsibility to your family and friends. It's being back in your old neighborhood where nothing and everything has changed. The streets so familiar, but with nuances that weren't there a year before; the realization that time does indeed marches on. Talking to people about where you live and what you've been up to and trying not to roll your eyes when complete strangers ask questions about the food you eat and the language. Then feeling just as mad at yourself for getting annoyed because a lot of Americans truly are not educated to what is going on in the world and people just want to know. Some days I felt that I was part of this weird talking museum exhibit.
Then coming back and seeing your life as not as a big adventure anymore. That moving halfway around the world isn't that big of a deal. That the familiarity of your current neighborhood feels strangely like coming home. You get stuck in routine after routine, trying to find this balance of not feeling guilty for being away from your family and just enjoying life where you are no matter what.
Then turning 35 was significant for me. Over the summer, as I was going through some old papers, I found my list of things I wanted to do by the time I was 35 that I wrote in college. Own a home, be a good wife and mother, have no student loan debt, travel the world, live in Africa, memorize the Bible, etc. Well, needless to say that I haven't hit those goals as I would have liked and that saddened me. What happened to that girl who made those plans? Is it too late to reach those goals? Then I felt like a fool for writing and showing my adventures in the first year because I felt that it was a bit cheesy and a little annoying.
But before the year changed to 2014, it dawned on me that God does indeed has a hand in everything and that the definition of those goals have been hit in some way. My home is truly what is in my heart and that will always be my family and friends. I fully own it and I try my best to make sure I invest in it. I'm married to my calling to work with kids, and my students are my children in a way. I get just as excited when a student tells me they got into their first choice college, and just as disappointed when they make unwise decisions. I don't have the Bible memorized, but I do know what verses to call on when I need a little extra strength. I wanted to live in Africa, but instead I was placed in an area that allows me to understand that the African diaspora is stretched so far and so wide. That although I haven't traveled the world, I have been so blessed to not only see what I see, but hear and learn from others. And on the flip side be allowed to share my journeys with people I care about. However, I won't get into the student loan debt =)
For me, I had to get a little silent to gain a whole lot of perspective. It's in the silence that I have been able to truly come to terms with my blessings and be able to begin to articulate the change that is happening inside of me. This silent moment has developed a lot of strength for me to carry into a new year.
One of my favorite memories growing up is opening the window of my bedroom when the weather was starting to get a little chilly. And the fresh air with the just the lingering sounds of crickets as the soundtrack to my hopes and dreams.....
It's officially been six months since my last post. Not because I haven't had a lot to say, but more so I have so much to say that I didn't really know how to say it. Do you know what I'm talking about? That there are soo many things going on inside of you that you just can't seem to either process them or say it because you truly can't articulate it. I guess part of it was being home for the bulk of my summer and some of it was surely turning 35 in August.
Going home after my first major move in over 10 years was significant. Surrounded by people who love you no matter what, but still feeling as if you have a role and responsibility to your family and friends. It's being back in your old neighborhood where nothing and everything has changed. The streets so familiar, but with nuances that weren't there a year before; the realization that time does indeed marches on. Talking to people about where you live and what you've been up to and trying not to roll your eyes when complete strangers ask questions about the food you eat and the language. Then feeling just as mad at yourself for getting annoyed because a lot of Americans truly are not educated to what is going on in the world and people just want to know. Some days I felt that I was part of this weird talking museum exhibit.
Then coming back and seeing your life as not as a big adventure anymore. That moving halfway around the world isn't that big of a deal. That the familiarity of your current neighborhood feels strangely like coming home. You get stuck in routine after routine, trying to find this balance of not feeling guilty for being away from your family and just enjoying life where you are no matter what.
Then turning 35 was significant for me. Over the summer, as I was going through some old papers, I found my list of things I wanted to do by the time I was 35 that I wrote in college. Own a home, be a good wife and mother, have no student loan debt, travel the world, live in Africa, memorize the Bible, etc. Well, needless to say that I haven't hit those goals as I would have liked and that saddened me. What happened to that girl who made those plans? Is it too late to reach those goals? Then I felt like a fool for writing and showing my adventures in the first year because I felt that it was a bit cheesy and a little annoying.
But before the year changed to 2014, it dawned on me that God does indeed has a hand in everything and that the definition of those goals have been hit in some way. My home is truly what is in my heart and that will always be my family and friends. I fully own it and I try my best to make sure I invest in it. I'm married to my calling to work with kids, and my students are my children in a way. I get just as excited when a student tells me they got into their first choice college, and just as disappointed when they make unwise decisions. I don't have the Bible memorized, but I do know what verses to call on when I need a little extra strength. I wanted to live in Africa, but instead I was placed in an area that allows me to understand that the African diaspora is stretched so far and so wide. That although I haven't traveled the world, I have been so blessed to not only see what I see, but hear and learn from others. And on the flip side be allowed to share my journeys with people I care about. However, I won't get into the student loan debt =)
For me, I had to get a little silent to gain a whole lot of perspective. It's in the silence that I have been able to truly come to terms with my blessings and be able to begin to articulate the change that is happening inside of me. This silent moment has developed a lot of strength for me to carry into a new year.
One of my favorite memories growing up is opening the window of my bedroom when the weather was starting to get a little chilly. And the fresh air with the just the lingering sounds of crickets as the soundtrack to my hopes and dreams.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)