Reality is beginning to set in.....

"Life is full of surprises and serendipity. Being open to the unexpected turns in the road is an important part of success. If you try to plan every step, you may miss those wonderful twists and turns. just find your nect adventure- do it well, enjoy it- and then, not now, think about what comes next." Condoleeza Rice


This past week has been crazy. It's getting to be the end of the school year, and I am beginning to say goodbye to my students and parents. I don't care too much about some of many of my co-workers, but my students (most) and their parents (again most) are the ones I am going to miss dearly. But I have been ok with all of this until two things happened: getting my ticket and packing up my office.


When you have been in one place for five years, you accumulate a lot of stuff, both physical and emotional. It's easy to identify which files need to be thrown out, or which books to keep and which ones to sale. But it's not so easy to let go of things that have more of a value. For instance, I have this painting that has been hanging in my office since 2008 made by students in my self-esteem group. I was so proud of them completing it, that it hung in the front office for a minute. But as soon as I heard that they were taking it down, I decided to keep it for myself. Do I have space in my new home for this memory? 


Or its just the little things that come-up as you begin to pack an office that were more so the students than it was my own. The containers, plates, pots and spoons for cooking. The music for those days when I couldn't get online and they needed to focus. The pennants and posters of colleges that I took them to. ... 


The other reality nail hit that same day. My DHL package arrived with my ticket and visa. My official date to leave on the steps of my parent's house. I was dropping off my niece and nephew when I saw it. My mom came outside to meet us, and I go, "That's it." She says, "What is it?" I said, "My ticket and visa." Then my mom got really quiet. Then I started to get misty....


I have been really thinking about the excitement and the new opportunities that this job change will bring into my life, but I haven't allowed myself the time to think about what I am going to miss. Until now. And although I am ready to move on, I also acknowledge I am going to start missing all of these little things that I have everyday: my random calls to my mom, students in my office constantly, having a key to my school building and working anytime I want. Wearing shorts. Stuff like that. But again, if this were to not happen, the doors to this life would not have been opened.


The reality is this for me: I think God has a plan for all of us, and it comes into play when we get comfortable at a stage He has placed us in. Because I don't think, for some of us anyway, that we are meant to stay still and get too comfortable. My reality is that I needed a change because there are soo many things that God has in store for me, that I have to leave to go forward. 

Trust your instinct to the end, though you can render no reason.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

For the past five years, I can honestly say that I have loved my job. Even with all the bull, it's been the kids that have saved me every year. On first glance, these students can appear to be crazy, loud, obnoxious, and needy. But on the other side, they can read a person, and they read my heart from the start.  They saw in me, and still do by the way, things that I never saw in myself.

These past five years I have been a mom, a disciplinarian, a counselor, a sister, sometimes a lecturer (or preacher), sometimes a shoulder. I never thought I could be those things, and still manage to discover the woman I needed to become. Just as I have watched them grow, I grew too. 

In making the decision to make this transition, I thought about my kids. But in my heart, in my gut, I knew that this was my last year. I didn't speak it out loud to anyone! It took going to see The Help with my mom, that my mom looked over at me, and said, "Your time is coming. This is it." I told my mom, "I have to follow my dreams. Now is the time."

I had my doubts. I mean I am well liked at my job, dedicated, its comfortable. But my instincts told me things were going to change. It's time to go. It made no sense, but I pursued and the right door was opened. 

Now that I have stepped through that door, I am seeing what God wanted to show me. That it was my time to leave. I started to really accept the true nature of people, that for some you are only as good as what you can provide for them. I have also had to accept some things. The fact that ultimately the decision to make choices are not yours; that you can guide, give food, supply, but ultimately the decisions rest in the other person's hand.

Recently I have spent a lot of tears and anger seeing the nature of some during this transition. But I am also so glad that I trusted my instincts, because the reasons are now becoming more clear.  

The decision to keep, sell, and to let go.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -Maria Robinson

I had this thought that I would start this blog the day that I tell my students that I am leaving. I figure, what a way to prepare for this big move in my life, by opening up with the people who have had the biggest impact in my life in the past five years.

But today, an odd Saturday where I happened to be free, was the day I wanted to start writing. The inspiration hit me when I opened the door to my storage unit, and realized that I have to figure out what things to keep, to sell, and to let go.

My unit in the middle of the first cleaning process

Before I get into that, let's talk about the amount of money I have wasted on this unit in the past 9 years. I officially moved back to Indiana, September 9, 2011 from my lovely home in Baltimore. I maintained an apartment next door to my parents for two years, until I was laid off and had to move back in. I opened my storage unit in April 2003. I had a glimmer of hope of closing my unit when I moved into my current residence (a fabulous bachelorette pad by the beach), but I had way too many things to move into my place, so I held on to the unit. Over the past 9 years, I have spent about $4860 to hold on to clothes, books, pictures, and knick-knacks that I have accumulated throughout my life.

It took deciding to take a chance and move overseas to Kuwait that I realized that its time to close this unit. But what to keep? What to sell? What to let go?

The Keep stuff-- I am already realizing that I will have to do this in phases. My goal is to get all my things down to five containers. ALL OF MY THINGS. Not only my unit, but my apartment (which is a whole separate issue). But I have decided for now to hold on to old letters, pictures, books that I have actually used,  etc. The old letters from my pen pal from South Africa that I have no clue what they are doing or where they are living, to letters from my friend Katrin, the German exchange student in my high school, who lives in Australia and is newly married. Letters from my mom when I was in undergrad and when I was living in England. Pictures of me and my little brother, college days, and my 21st birthday party (I laughed over those for a good 10 minutes). Then there are the books. The books..... That's hard for me.

One bin of books that I'm willing to sell

What to sell-- The books that are easy chick lit reads that I probably bought in impulse because I realized that I may be eating by myself one night. Folders. I have soo many folders and binders in great condition.   My collection of piggy banks not worthy to be in my apartment. VHS cassettes. I haven't owned a VHS player since 2003. I have tapes of the last Cheers episode, or the whole Jazz series on PBS. Now I have Netflix. 

The Let Go-- Clothes. The outfits that I may have worn once that I swore to myself that if I lose just 30 pounds, I can fit in again. I have a ton of t-shirts. College ones, free ones, ones that I have no idea how they came into my company. Clothes with receipts. And sweaters...I know that I do not need all of my sweaters, I mean, I am going to live in the Middle East. It makes no since to hold on to all of those things, but I am keeping my cardigans. 

In the packing and shifting through, I am flooding myself with all these memories and desires that I have kept in a box, locked in a unit, for almost 9 years. Nine years!!! I have lived my life, but haven't really lived my dreams in nine years. I can't go back and live off my memories, instead I desire to go after my dreams. That's all I have at this moment.