Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

"What do girls do who haven't any mothers to help them through their troubles?" - Louisa May Alcott

My Mom has a very uncanny ability to call when I need to just talk. Now mind you, I talk to my family on a weekly basis. The joys of technology and magic jack has allowed me to keep in touch with my family 8 time zones and thousands of miles away. I love talking to them on Sundays as I am getting home from work, and they are having breakfast before going to church. I even call my parents when I am about to go out of town for the weekend, as if I am just driving to Indianapolis for a meeting or a weekend. We are close. I'm actually very proud of that. 

But my mom just knows when I am having a bad day. Or a moment. Or just a thought that only she will get, or that I will get. The relationship of the mother and daughter in my experience, is one of this uncanny ability of just knowing. This week is just proof of that.

I can say that professionally, my ego and spirit took a hit this week. Mis-communication and the blurring of roles resulted in unnecessary stress that I haven't encountered since I left my crazy charter school life. And because I have issues with sharing what I really feel about a situation, or struggle to keep the, "Angry Black Female," in check, I internalize all of my anger and frustration and it comes out in the form of gastrointestinal issues. Then I get even more pissed that a small situation results in these feelings, which makes me even more sick and nauseous. 

I was determined to fix things myself. I told myself that I need to learn how to deal. I need to grow up. "Christina, you are 34 years old, deal," is what I had been telling myself. I made myself so sick that I came straight home from work and laid down because I was just physically, mentally, and emotionally worn out. And in classic mom mode, my phone rings just as I am about to doze off. I was going to let it go to voicemail, but I can't do that..... I don't want to burn in hell later.

Hello
"Hi Chris."
Hi Mom.
"You sound tired. Everything ok."
Yes Mom, just feeling under the weather. Stomach's been upset today. Just taking a nap (I swear this is all I said.).
"You know the last time you had that, you were dealing with all that stuff at that school (her reference to my last job). What's going on?"

And just like that, I tell my mom my troubles. I tell her what I did because my mom is the best BS checker in the game. I told her how I felt, and then she confirms my plan on how to deal, without me telling her what was in my head. This is common. Then my dad (yes even my dad) got into the act. My parent's tagged team me! When my dad was done, he gives the phone back to my mom to, as he put it, to bring it home. My mom makes me pull out my Bible, and read Romans 5:1-5. And she reads and we talk some more, and just like that, I feel a little better, a little braver, and confirmed about what I need to do. 

It's times like these when I know how blessed I am. Not just because I have built some genuine relationships here, but because I have parent's who pray for me and call me out on my insecurities and my bull. Even 8 time zones and thousands of miles away, I have some support in this strange land that I have started to make my home.

My fear is that one day waking up and not having this any more. But even a friend of mine who lost their mother a few years back, said that even now, the spirit of their mom just knows when they need support and some wisdom. Momma always said there will be days when we doubt ourselves, have some troubles, or a string of bad luck. But momma also always has a way to make things a little bit better. 

Game Changer

"Life is a song-sing it. Life is a game-play it. Life is a challenge-meet it. Life is a dream-realize it. Life is a sacrifice-offer it. Life is love- enjoy it."

Sai Baba

I was praying that we didn't have to play. We had six players, and I was the one that was most out of shape, the most not ready to play in this weekend's rugby tournament.

It had been a rough start to 2013 for me. I admit that I went into this "all by myself,"phase for a moment, avoiding all things social with exception to work. Its a habit that I have developed over the years for self-preservation. In addition, things were going downhill rapidly with a kid I was working with outside of work. I was hit with an awful respiratory issue that I couldn't shake, and my scale was starting to creep back up. My positive energy slowly began seeping into a negative realm that I did not enjoy. The one thing I had going on, rugby practice, being slowly put on the back burner to deal with my kid, heal myself. Instead it became the Christina Laziness Show starring take out and my television.

Then two things happened: a hookup from my local pharmacy and the cancellation of services for my kid. I went to the pharmacy after a night of hanging out with friends at a Murder Mystery party, and the older woman in a hijab heard my cough. She said: "You come here." She then peppered me with questions in her broken English: "Mucus yellow? Hurts when cough? Warm?" I nodded yes to all those questions. She proceeded to give me a box of antibiotics, cough syrup, and mucinex, all at a reasonable cost. "You rest, feel better," is what she ordered me.

The cancellation of my kid came around that same time. That was a blessing in disguise because as much as I wanted to continue (it was extra travel money), it wasn't good for him and it wasn't for me either. I went home most nights frustrated, too tired to care about anything else. When I had a week where I didn't have to see him, I felt almost sad that I was happy not to see him. I got stuff done, did my laundry, went to bed at a decent hour.... I didn't miss him or what I was doing. And it freed me of any excuse not to go to practice. Even after his service was over, and I was invited to help with another case, instead of doing it I declined. It was the smartest decision I think I ever made.

So now that my sickness was handled and my services no longer needed, it freed me to go to practice with no excuses. My personal game changer so to speak. But I wasn't ready to play in a tournament. At least I thought I wasn't.

We landed early Friday morning in the UAE, and with little to no sleep because I was nervous and a little afraid. Doubt filled my head, and of course the regular round of self-pity and doubt reared its nasty head. But I got up and prayed to God that whatever happens happen, that we will be safe, and that if he could permit, just make sure I didn't have to play. But as we all know, no matter what God you believe in, you may not get what you want, but you will get what He thinks you need.

I made some tiny mistakes in the first game but we pulled it out. The second game we played hard and had a slim lost. By the third game we had a rhythm and clearly defined areas, while by the fourth we were aggressive and pushed through. As a team we talked to each other, listened, and most importantly had some fun. And we won our division! And I had a hand in that! OMG! I didn't pass out and we waked away with some scratches, some bruises, and some minor injuries. Although we limped, we had our celebratory drinks and had a good time overall.

I wouldn't have been able to enjoy any of it if I was still sick and still trying to work with that kid. Instead, I feel as if I was being told that I can't be like everyone else and I need to enjoy my time here and get well. So here I am, trying my best to not envy what others have in regards to making extra money or being in perfect shape. Instead I am simply trying to live this life, my life, and the life I had been called to live. The game of life I think is one of individual pursuits, helped by those to help shape your thoughts and feelings. I am deciding that although it will be hard, living my life and playing the game without envy and regret will probably be the best thing for me to make it through. And ultimately, I will win this game no matter what.

Confession.... Good for the Soul

I must take this time and opportunity to confess something that only a few people know about me: I'm an introvert.

Let that sink in for moment....

At first glance, people would not think that about me. I'm the giggly black girl with the weird hair and bubbly personality. I don't sit in my apartment, wearing all black, and having silent conversations with my two fish (Donny and Roberta), reading books about philosophy and existence. I go out, hang out when I can, and willing to try different things to meet different people. But the energy it takes for me to do that is hard. Really Hard.

Why all of this confessing on my blog? Because survival/happiness in Kuwait is not made for the faint of heart. Fostering relationships with complete strangers is key to having a life here. And since I have moved here, I have been all in: going to events, playing rugby, online dating that never goes anywhere, dinner parties, etc. I came into Kuwait with this mindset of go big or go home. And I'm grateful that this attitude has definitely pushed my personal boundaries. But I must admit that I'm a little worn out.

When I tell people that I am an introvert, I get a skeptical look like I must be crazy. Even the web definition of an introvert doesn't seem to fit my personality at first glance: A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things. It makes being an introvert sound like being a complete jerk, which I don't believe I am (maybe I am a self-centered person =)). But the traits of an introvert are dead on to my personality: the struggle of small talk, exhausting pressure to fit in when its hard to be with lots of people, the need to spend no longer than 20 minutes at a social gathering, the constant need to go to sleep after any social outing. All the things that are anti-survival to living in Kuwait.  

But being an introvert isn't such a bad thing. I am much better one on one because I want to know people's thoughts and feelings on an array of subjects. I guess that's why I'm a counselor. I love learning, gathering knowledge about things that I did not know. I love conversations that dip in and out of the realm of seriousness and hilarity. I do enjoy going out, I just need to have some coffee or a red bull before I go.

But recently it has been a struggle. I've missed out on some great things already in 2013, because my body and my head is still spinning from the close of 2012. When I get home at a decent time, all I want to do is have falafel and go to sleep. And as I am waiting for a Skype video with my family on MLK holiday, I am missing out again with rugby practice. So I thought I would write this little blog to let me my new friends know that it's not you, it's me, Madame Introvert.

So in a way, I am apologizing to my old friends who are used to my moody introverted ways, and also to my new friends that I have made in 2012, and ask for their understanding as I get through the first month of 2013. There is a reason for my moments of shyness. Just work with me and I will be ok. February is already starting to look up. Help me to continue to stretch my boundaries, but be gentle.

Now that this confession is over, I think I will go have a nap. Just typing this blog has worn me out. But before I close, I found this quote that goes with this blog, and represents my feelings well:

"Introverts treasure the close relationships they have stretched so much to make."

Adam S. McHugh

P.S. Fun posting about the 10 myths of introverts: http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts