"The middle path makes me wary.... But in the middle of my life, I am coming to see the middle path as a walk with wisdom where conversations of complexity can be found, that the middle path is the path of movement...."
Terry Tempest Williams
This Thursday, I was leaving my principal's office after a very surprisingly productive parent/student meeting. My principal asked me how I was handling this last portion of the year, and I told him that I was learning so much: how to work with parent's better, learning to control my exuberance during conversations that particularly pissed me off, and learning to define my role in this school, after leaving a role where I was several positions in one body. That going from a position like that, to one where I am one role, has been the most difficult part for me. He then smiled at me, and tells me, "you must simply need to lower your expectations." I smiled and told him, "you know me enough by now to know that is difficult for me." We both chuckled, because we both knew that we were both right.
Fast forward to Friday night, Saturday early morning, celebrating a friend's birthday. It's about 2am and we get involved in a heavy discussion about relationships and expectations; Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now, and Mr. Fulfilling a Need that could lead to Mr. Right Now. How complicated dating gets the older we get, and do we really set ourselves up for failure with our internal lists of what we desire in a mate. The big question: do we need to lower our expectations to put a ring on it?
And this afternoon, I had the most vivid dream I have ever had during one of my naps. I dreamed that I ran into an old friend from college (This girl during undergrad was truly glamorous and had everything she ever wanted). When I saw her, she introduced me to her husband who was in a dirty track suit, who spat tobacco while we talked. She still looked the same, but her shine wasn't there like it was in college. She showed me pictures of her children and they both looked like pigs, and all I could say was, "Oh really!" I woke up soon after but couldn't help but think if she lowered her expectations or compromised to get married.
All of our relationships: work, family, dating, marriage, etc., take a bit of a compromise or even a lowering of expectations. Many of the friends and people I have met living in Kuwait didn't exactly have this country on the top of their list when looking for jobs overseas. But we settled/compromised in a way to work tax free: some people choosing to live here for a great while, some leaving as soon as their contracts expire. For those who stay, it's the things that they gain in this compromise that makes it work. To live in Kuwait you give up pork, alcohol, and in some ways organized infrastructure. On the other side, you can travel to exciting places, see the world, and enjoy the spoils in countries that allow you have the things you desire. You can also have daily afternoon naps and work late only when you need to, hired help to help you function, and a little bit of home in the array of chain restaurants located in this country (so last statement are more personal to me).
Its the same thing I believe when it comes to relationships. I admitted to myself a couple of years ago that I would like to be married, although in the back of my head I know the odds are stacked against me. Do you know that for Black women, the higher we are in our education and our lack of children, means that we are less likely to be married? I have two master's degrees and no children. The odds are truly stacked. Besides that, I also know that marriage is not promised to everyone, and I'm actually ok with that.
But I look around to the marriages I have been exposed to in my life: those who seem to have been married forever, those who do get married later in life, and those who started but couldn't quite finish. For those that worked, I know that compromise and a slight lowering of expectations had to take place, more for the woman then the guy (no offense fellas, but really). And you know what, those that work, work. Those who didn't work tried and tried until it did or until it failed. But effort was put into it either way.
Its the effort of living this life that opens you up to what it means to settle and what it means to compromise. In my twenties, I never wanted to compromise and I always wanted people to see my vision, my way. However, the older I get the more I am beginning to realize that my life was not that exciting because of that. I did some awesome things, have great stories, but because I was little uncompromising, that passion burnt me out.
As I look at my life right now, in this moment, its the shades of in-between that has made my life interesting. The more I am allowed to live this life, the more I appreciate my passion coupled with a healthy dose of complex experiences and thoughts. My conversations have more meaning, my relationships matter, and I still have a bit of myself. Will I ever get married or have the perfect job or perfect life? Probably not. But if lowering my expectations means that I get to enjoy the wonderful shades of gray that comes with living, then I'm ok with that.
