Confession.... Good for the Soul

I must take this time and opportunity to confess something that only a few people know about me: I'm an introvert.

Let that sink in for moment....

At first glance, people would not think that about me. I'm the giggly black girl with the weird hair and bubbly personality. I don't sit in my apartment, wearing all black, and having silent conversations with my two fish (Donny and Roberta), reading books about philosophy and existence. I go out, hang out when I can, and willing to try different things to meet different people. But the energy it takes for me to do that is hard. Really Hard.

Why all of this confessing on my blog? Because survival/happiness in Kuwait is not made for the faint of heart. Fostering relationships with complete strangers is key to having a life here. And since I have moved here, I have been all in: going to events, playing rugby, online dating that never goes anywhere, dinner parties, etc. I came into Kuwait with this mindset of go big or go home. And I'm grateful that this attitude has definitely pushed my personal boundaries. But I must admit that I'm a little worn out.

When I tell people that I am an introvert, I get a skeptical look like I must be crazy. Even the web definition of an introvert doesn't seem to fit my personality at first glance: A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things. It makes being an introvert sound like being a complete jerk, which I don't believe I am (maybe I am a self-centered person =)). But the traits of an introvert are dead on to my personality: the struggle of small talk, exhausting pressure to fit in when its hard to be with lots of people, the need to spend no longer than 20 minutes at a social gathering, the constant need to go to sleep after any social outing. All the things that are anti-survival to living in Kuwait.  

But being an introvert isn't such a bad thing. I am much better one on one because I want to know people's thoughts and feelings on an array of subjects. I guess that's why I'm a counselor. I love learning, gathering knowledge about things that I did not know. I love conversations that dip in and out of the realm of seriousness and hilarity. I do enjoy going out, I just need to have some coffee or a red bull before I go.

But recently it has been a struggle. I've missed out on some great things already in 2013, because my body and my head is still spinning from the close of 2012. When I get home at a decent time, all I want to do is have falafel and go to sleep. And as I am waiting for a Skype video with my family on MLK holiday, I am missing out again with rugby practice. So I thought I would write this little blog to let me my new friends know that it's not you, it's me, Madame Introvert.

So in a way, I am apologizing to my old friends who are used to my moody introverted ways, and also to my new friends that I have made in 2012, and ask for their understanding as I get through the first month of 2013. There is a reason for my moments of shyness. Just work with me and I will be ok. February is already starting to look up. Help me to continue to stretch my boundaries, but be gentle.

Now that this confession is over, I think I will go have a nap. Just typing this blog has worn me out. But before I close, I found this quote that goes with this blog, and represents my feelings well:

"Introverts treasure the close relationships they have stretched so much to make."

Adam S. McHugh

P.S. Fun posting about the 10 myths of introverts: http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts

How do you measure a year?

On New Years Eve, I was travelling to the city of Jaipur, India with a tour group of fifteen people. Most of us were a sleep but I was wide awake looking out the window at the countryside of Northern India. Then one of my favorite songs(from Rent, the musical) came on:

"Five hundred, Twenty-five thousand, Six hundred minutes moments so dear..... how do you measure a year?"

How do you measure a year? How do I begin to measure this year in particular? Soo many things happened in 2012, that it makes me excited and scared for 2013. But all of the blessings of 2012 didn't start out of the blue, I had to go through my own trials, heartaches, disappoints, lots of tears, before last year, to be open to what God had in store for me for this moment in my life in 2013.

How do I measure my year?

I think about my family first. I truly know that they support me all the way. We are a family that supports one another. I really know how blessed I am to have that. Mind you, they weren't exactly thrilled when I told them I wanted to work overseas, and then to say that I will be working in Kuwait, but they trusted me enough to know that I never fully hop into a situation without thinking and researching it. They also are a praying family so I know they are always praying for me, and I for them.

I think about my former students. For five years, I have watched these kids grow up. I was a school mom: proud of them when they made great decisions, disappointed in them when they made poor ones, but loved them every single day. I know that they knew that I would do anything for them (within reason), and they did the same for me (believe me, I can write a blog on some of their shanigans they did to support me). I was so nervous to tell them I was leaving, because I didn't want them to think that it was because of them. But they were happy for me because I have always told them that you have to go after your dreams and follow your heart. They said those same words back to me.

How do I measure my year?

I think about my hometown of Gary, Indiana. How I love it with all of its faults. How there are days that I wish I could walk to the coffee shop around the corner from my apartment, or to the beach, or to the local pizza place. How some days I didn't pickup a newspaper because I didn't want to know about the bad things that happened the night before. Even with its faults, I love my hometown. It allows me to appreciate what I have here in Kuwait.

I think about Kuwait. How it frustrates me so, but yet I feel as if I belong here. The proud moment when I knew what each change denomination was, and used it correctly. The first time I gave basic directions from Beirut Street to my apartment in broken Arabic by myself. Becoming braver in walking in my neighborhood, while also being very tenacious in where I go and how I get there. Meeting friends who aren't teachers, befriending a local person. My first date here....

How do I measure my year?

• Looking out the window flying over the Mediterranean Sea to get to Jordan and then Kuwait.
• The first time I went to church here. 
• Flying into Dubai and getting jealous that they have taxi's with meters and streets with sidewalks.
• Hugging a student who got into their first choice school.
• Seeing the Taj Mahal, a place I have dreamed about seeing since I was like 12 years old.

How do I measure my year?

I really can't measure my year. There are soo many memories that are flooding my mind right now, that I can't measure it. But I can be grateful and happy for the 2012 that I had. And I will be even more grateful and happy for my 2013, and the moments and memories that God will allow it to create for me.