Confession.... Good for the Soul

I must take this time and opportunity to confess something that only a few people know about me: I'm an introvert.

Let that sink in for moment....

At first glance, people would not think that about me. I'm the giggly black girl with the weird hair and bubbly personality. I don't sit in my apartment, wearing all black, and having silent conversations with my two fish (Donny and Roberta), reading books about philosophy and existence. I go out, hang out when I can, and willing to try different things to meet different people. But the energy it takes for me to do that is hard. Really Hard.

Why all of this confessing on my blog? Because survival/happiness in Kuwait is not made for the faint of heart. Fostering relationships with complete strangers is key to having a life here. And since I have moved here, I have been all in: going to events, playing rugby, online dating that never goes anywhere, dinner parties, etc. I came into Kuwait with this mindset of go big or go home. And I'm grateful that this attitude has definitely pushed my personal boundaries. But I must admit that I'm a little worn out.

When I tell people that I am an introvert, I get a skeptical look like I must be crazy. Even the web definition of an introvert doesn't seem to fit my personality at first glance: A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things. It makes being an introvert sound like being a complete jerk, which I don't believe I am (maybe I am a self-centered person =)). But the traits of an introvert are dead on to my personality: the struggle of small talk, exhausting pressure to fit in when its hard to be with lots of people, the need to spend no longer than 20 minutes at a social gathering, the constant need to go to sleep after any social outing. All the things that are anti-survival to living in Kuwait.  

But being an introvert isn't such a bad thing. I am much better one on one because I want to know people's thoughts and feelings on an array of subjects. I guess that's why I'm a counselor. I love learning, gathering knowledge about things that I did not know. I love conversations that dip in and out of the realm of seriousness and hilarity. I do enjoy going out, I just need to have some coffee or a red bull before I go.

But recently it has been a struggle. I've missed out on some great things already in 2013, because my body and my head is still spinning from the close of 2012. When I get home at a decent time, all I want to do is have falafel and go to sleep. And as I am waiting for a Skype video with my family on MLK holiday, I am missing out again with rugby practice. So I thought I would write this little blog to let me my new friends know that it's not you, it's me, Madame Introvert.

So in a way, I am apologizing to my old friends who are used to my moody introverted ways, and also to my new friends that I have made in 2012, and ask for their understanding as I get through the first month of 2013. There is a reason for my moments of shyness. Just work with me and I will be ok. February is already starting to look up. Help me to continue to stretch my boundaries, but be gentle.

Now that this confession is over, I think I will go have a nap. Just typing this blog has worn me out. But before I close, I found this quote that goes with this blog, and represents my feelings well:

"Introverts treasure the close relationships they have stretched so much to make."

Adam S. McHugh

P.S. Fun posting about the 10 myths of introverts: http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts