"Silence is a source of great strength." Lao Tzu
It's officially been six months since my last post. Not because I haven't had a lot to say, but more so I have so much to say that I didn't really know how to say it. Do you know what I'm talking about? That there are soo many things going on inside of you that you just can't seem to either process them or say it because you truly can't articulate it. I guess part of it was being home for the bulk of my summer and some of it was surely turning 35 in August.
Going home after my first major move in over 10 years was significant. Surrounded by people who love you no matter what, but still feeling as if you have a role and responsibility to your family and friends. It's being back in your old neighborhood where nothing and everything has changed. The streets so familiar, but with nuances that weren't there a year before; the realization that time does indeed marches on. Talking to people about where you live and what you've been up to and trying not to roll your eyes when complete strangers ask questions about the food you eat and the language. Then feeling just as mad at yourself for getting annoyed because a lot of Americans truly are not educated to what is going on in the world and people just want to know. Some days I felt that I was part of this weird talking museum exhibit.
Then coming back and seeing your life as not as a big adventure anymore. That moving halfway around the world isn't that big of a deal. That the familiarity of your current neighborhood feels strangely like coming home. You get stuck in routine after routine, trying to find this balance of not feeling guilty for being away from your family and just enjoying life where you are no matter what.
Then turning 35 was significant for me. Over the summer, as I was going through some old papers, I found my list of things I wanted to do by the time I was 35 that I wrote in college. Own a home, be a good wife and mother, have no student loan debt, travel the world, live in Africa, memorize the Bible, etc. Well, needless to say that I haven't hit those goals as I would have liked and that saddened me. What happened to that girl who made those plans? Is it too late to reach those goals? Then I felt like a fool for writing and showing my adventures in the first year because I felt that it was a bit cheesy and a little annoying.
But before the year changed to 2014, it dawned on me that God does indeed has a hand in everything and that the definition of those goals have been hit in some way. My home is truly what is in my heart and that will always be my family and friends. I fully own it and I try my best to make sure I invest in it. I'm married to my calling to work with kids, and my students are my children in a way. I get just as excited when a student tells me they got into their first choice college, and just as disappointed when they make unwise decisions. I don't have the Bible memorized, but I do know what verses to call on when I need a little extra strength. I wanted to live in Africa, but instead I was placed in an area that allows me to understand that the African diaspora is stretched so far and so wide. That although I haven't traveled the world, I have been so blessed to not only see what I see, but hear and learn from others. And on the flip side be allowed to share my journeys with people I care about. However, I won't get into the student loan debt =)
For me, I had to get a little silent to gain a whole lot of perspective. It's in the silence that I have been able to truly come to terms with my blessings and be able to begin to articulate the change that is happening inside of me. This silent moment has developed a lot of strength for me to carry into a new year.
One of my favorite memories growing up is opening the window of my bedroom when the weather was starting to get a little chilly. And the fresh air with the just the lingering sounds of crickets as the soundtrack to my hopes and dreams.....
It's officially been six months since my last post. Not because I haven't had a lot to say, but more so I have so much to say that I didn't really know how to say it. Do you know what I'm talking about? That there are soo many things going on inside of you that you just can't seem to either process them or say it because you truly can't articulate it. I guess part of it was being home for the bulk of my summer and some of it was surely turning 35 in August.
Going home after my first major move in over 10 years was significant. Surrounded by people who love you no matter what, but still feeling as if you have a role and responsibility to your family and friends. It's being back in your old neighborhood where nothing and everything has changed. The streets so familiar, but with nuances that weren't there a year before; the realization that time does indeed marches on. Talking to people about where you live and what you've been up to and trying not to roll your eyes when complete strangers ask questions about the food you eat and the language. Then feeling just as mad at yourself for getting annoyed because a lot of Americans truly are not educated to what is going on in the world and people just want to know. Some days I felt that I was part of this weird talking museum exhibit.
Then coming back and seeing your life as not as a big adventure anymore. That moving halfway around the world isn't that big of a deal. That the familiarity of your current neighborhood feels strangely like coming home. You get stuck in routine after routine, trying to find this balance of not feeling guilty for being away from your family and just enjoying life where you are no matter what.
Then turning 35 was significant for me. Over the summer, as I was going through some old papers, I found my list of things I wanted to do by the time I was 35 that I wrote in college. Own a home, be a good wife and mother, have no student loan debt, travel the world, live in Africa, memorize the Bible, etc. Well, needless to say that I haven't hit those goals as I would have liked and that saddened me. What happened to that girl who made those plans? Is it too late to reach those goals? Then I felt like a fool for writing and showing my adventures in the first year because I felt that it was a bit cheesy and a little annoying.
But before the year changed to 2014, it dawned on me that God does indeed has a hand in everything and that the definition of those goals have been hit in some way. My home is truly what is in my heart and that will always be my family and friends. I fully own it and I try my best to make sure I invest in it. I'm married to my calling to work with kids, and my students are my children in a way. I get just as excited when a student tells me they got into their first choice college, and just as disappointed when they make unwise decisions. I don't have the Bible memorized, but I do know what verses to call on when I need a little extra strength. I wanted to live in Africa, but instead I was placed in an area that allows me to understand that the African diaspora is stretched so far and so wide. That although I haven't traveled the world, I have been so blessed to not only see what I see, but hear and learn from others. And on the flip side be allowed to share my journeys with people I care about. However, I won't get into the student loan debt =)
For me, I had to get a little silent to gain a whole lot of perspective. It's in the silence that I have been able to truly come to terms with my blessings and be able to begin to articulate the change that is happening inside of me. This silent moment has developed a lot of strength for me to carry into a new year.
One of my favorite memories growing up is opening the window of my bedroom when the weather was starting to get a little chilly. And the fresh air with the just the lingering sounds of crickets as the soundtrack to my hopes and dreams.....
