Crazy Maze

"To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue." Buddha

I am officially a week away from my 39th birthday.

It's been almost three years since I last posted to this blog.

A major country move and a job later, I am still in the Middle East (or the GCC if you want to be specific) since my first posting.

And sometimes I admit that I may appear directionless, but it's only because of the latent fear of failure that sits in the back of my mind and follows me wherever I go. I tend not to listen to it, but sometimes it is hard to shake. So fear of failure follows me and in the attempt to try to shake it, I am in this maze of living that only my hope and faith will lead me eventually to the other side.

In some ways, running from this fear has led to many amazing adventures, and has blessed me to meet so many interesting people. I feel that the navigation of following faith instead of fear, has brought me a bit closer to my relationship with God. That the twists and turns are lessons that I have needed to learn.

And then there are moments when you have to face the fear that is chasing you, and own it for all that it is reflecting back to you.

- Like knowing when you get to a place in life where you can comfortably walk away and say that you've tried to save a relationship, a friend, a plant =)

- That admitting out loud that there is more to this life than work or a job. That happiness is your own personal shape of balance that you are trying to achieve and no one else's.

- That taking a risk is a good thing, and that the growing pains are just a sign that this is where you need to be. Although it may suck as you're going through it.

- That you really can never change a person, and knowing that the only peace you have is knowing that you stood in your truth.

- And just being able to say, "Thank you."

Last year was a tough year for me. I went through a ton of changes that scared me, excited me, disappointed me, and tested me. I stood in that maze feeling that I was retreating back to the same spot over and over again because I was definitely afraid of the mirror that fear was holding up to my face. So I took a look at that mirror, and pretty much said this is bullshit. I can't be stagnant in this moment any longer. It's time to find my way out. Fear, you can follow like a shadow, but I won't allow you to keep me standing still.

I feel like 39 will be this year where I take the things that I have learned and embrace the opportunities as they present themselves. I am embracing this crazy maze, and although I may get lost from time to time, I still have the faith and hope that I will see the light on the other side.