Silence Sometimes Ain't Golden

"I don't regret anything I've ever done in life, any choice that I've made. But I'm consumed with regret for the things I didn't do, the choices I didn't make, the things I didn't say." Trevor Noah

I have been confronted recently with reactions to and acts of silence regarding everything: from work, to Charlottesville, to personal life. I was hoping to glide into 39 with an ease of a duck in water- seemingly smooth on the surface. But I forget that the duck is often flailing back and forth underneath.

And just like the duck, the appearance of things are never really what it seems, is it? I sometimes feel that silence buys you more time in that lake of tranquil peace, making light waves on the surface so the that the water stays pretty and picture perfect. But being silent about anything after awhile is just as harmful. Ecosystems thrive from disturbance. That's why after a torrential storm, the skies opens up and brings unique smells and flowers, death and life.

I didn't realize that I was into science that much. Shout out to my Biology teacher, Mr. Moss. RIH.

Back on track.....

Silence is never the issue when decisions about anything has to be made, not involving me. I am always willing to speak up for my students, or others, or when I see something that just isn't right. But I am very, very guilty of being silent when it comes to me and my needs. Like for some reason, my demanding/asking/recognizing that I need/want/felt something, is less than the needs of everyone else. And sure I can blame society placing limits on the voices of women, or even never wanting to appear to be an angry black woman in my majority white place of work. But my silence buys someone else another chance to dictate and control my life. And maybe, just maybe, it's time that I start seeing myself as valuable enough to speak up for my needs along with others.

I am guilty of being silent, when times has called for me to be loud. Some of you reading this won't believe this about me, but I comfortable sitting in silence when I am so shocked and hurt about something; or when I disagree with a decision and haven't quite figured out the right thing to say or how to react. Because it brings up feelings that I don't want to face, and brings out insecurities where I want to try to runaway.

But nothing says I'm getting older and better, like finding my voice. Like that storm of self-doubt eases a bit quicker; that there is a beauty in what rises up out of the quaking moment of just saying whatever it is from your heart. It does get a bit easier as you get older because you get to a magic moment of knowing that you are worthy of being heard and speaking up.

I told a female student the other day, "Don't ever apologize for advocating for yourself." I wish someone told me that when I was in my twenties. And now, when I speak up for myself?  Man- the sweet nectar of speaking up- well it's kinda awesome.